Hello! And welcome back. It’s me, Desiree’ Celeste!
I am writing these journal entries in hopes that they can help others to better understand the journey of micro dosing magic mushrooms. While I am writing these in real time, I will be waiting until my proposed 10 week cycle ends before publishing, in order to further protect myself. This journal entry is in no way meant to encourage others to micro dose magic mushrooms or partake in any illegal activity. I urge you to research the local and federal laws pertaining to psychedelic use of your area.
Micro dosing magic mushrooms has inspired me to restart this blog in order to help others, which means that I have no episodes 1-4! Until now, I have lived with multiple forms of mental illness, including borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and depression. The amount of times I have contemplated my own suicide, the number of panicked phone calls to my therapist, and the depth of negative self talk have been immeasurable. I have always seen myself as a shattered piece of glass which, no matter how much therapy, how many self help books, and how many experimental practices I pick up, I will still not be complete again. I have worked hard in therapy to come to the realization that every human is complicated and hurt, that there is nothing wronger with me than anyone else, and that I am not a mass of shards. HOWEVER, borderline personality disorder is a vast and complex diagnosis that, initially, felt like a death sentence, wherein my own brain slowly kills any shred of self esteem I may have. I refer to my brain as the mainland, and through dialectical behavior therapy have learned when I am crossing the bridge to BPD island. Sometimes I can bring myself back before the negative self talk starts echoing, sometimes I can’t. Sometimes, the bulk of my pain stems from my crippling social anxiety and my self isolation, which makes it nearly impossible to reintroduce myself to social situations when I feel lonely and want to see people again. This is hard to write. But I feel that this is the backstory that I need to tell.
Now, I have been hearing for years about magic mushrooms helping to rewire the brain and potentially untie the knots of anxiety, depression, PTSD, and many more, even dementia! But it took me until my mid twenties before even trying marijuana, so it’s fairly obvious that this would be years of internal debate in order to come to my first dose. I had the opportunity presented to me to buy shrooms, after many failed attempts, and I thought to myself, “Now’s the chance!” But I still couldn’t bring myself to try them.
Then, Paul Stamets! He came to host a lecture at a nearby college and, while his topics were diverse, he did speak briefly about his current research on how the combination of niacin, lion’s mane, and micro doses of magic mushrooms could help people with neurological disorders and mental illness. I trust in his words, I trust in his science, and when Paul Stamets urged the audience to take a photo of the slide showing dosing for this trifecta, I knew this is what I had to do. Three days later, I secured my first baggie, another three days later, I prepared my first micro dose. In those six days since making up my mind, many people stepped up to help me. People wanted to be there to babysit me on my first trip, wanted to trip alongside me, wanted to prepare my first tea, wanted to… wanted to… but all I heard was pressure. My anxiety kicked in! People wanting to support me sounded so much like people wanting to take this sacred experience from me. For me, this feels like sacred medicine. It feels like a life line. And that’s when I decided I needed to experience it alone.
I am still not sure how interested I am in doing a full trip. I have been very happy with my micro dosing and have committed to 10 weeks, following an every Thursday and Sunday schedule. I generally dose alone, in my living room, by making a tea, then lay on my floor and meditate for as long as I can. I also try to sit outside, I try to plan for social things later in the day so that I don’t lose my day to introspect. I am using micro dosing to help navigate daily life in a healthier way, so I figure I have to expose myself to things that generally make me anxious. I just bought a singing bowl, so I look forward to playing it as part of my micro dose meditation.
Next Micro Dose Journal entry, I tell all about my first two micro dose experiences, including preparation and outcome.